whats the word for

what’s the word for forgetting what day it is eating because you want to keep your mouth busy, not because you’re hungry but because you want to keep moving the trance that comes after watching a good movie or a good book, the span of moments in which you’re not quite ready to accept the fact that something’s ended, followed by the immediate urge to check your phone an old friend that you’ve just met understanding only half of what someone just said, and piecing together the other half based on context, or visual cues, or what you think they said remembering an event only because it was in your calendar the scent of rain the act of looking for someone to talk to, like sending texts to everyone who would conceivably reply back and wouldn’t think you’re weird because you’re starting a conversation for no reason opening a fridge immediately after closing it, leaving a website because you’re bored then immediately opening another tab of the same page, or opening messenger every two and a half minutes in the middle of the night suddenly becoming conscious of a certain instrument while listening to a song. or suddenly becoming conscious of anything about a song, especially after listening to it multiple times in a passive, detached manner the point after which it is too late to ask for someone’s name a default, automatic response to a question that’s not completely accurate, but would have been better if it was. like the “nothing much” to “what’s up” or “i’m good” to “how are you” knowing how to use the basement hallways without getting lost or using a map being homesick for a place you’ve never been to recognizing someone as being from the same country you are when you’re both in a foreign place, or being gay somewhere really conservative and seeing someone having a rainbow button pin on their bag eye contact in public transportation the inability to stop feeling something despite knowing exactly why you’re feeling it expecting someone to be somewhere and then they’re not. like walking into a lounge and seeing no one there, or seeing an empty room behind a door that’s slightly ajar silently and slowly drifting away, like how people leave the morning after a big sleepover, or how leaves fall from trees this time of year, or how a conversation shifts to lighter and lighter topics being lonely despite talking to lots of people all day being tired despite not doing anything all day really  needing hugs wishing you could fast-forward a friendship with someone past the getting-to-know-you stage and into some actual closeness attempting to help others who have the same problems you have blasting music and dancing in an empty room, so we can shorten the phrase “dance like no one’s watching” editing something twelve, thirteen, fourteen times to get it  just right the simultaneous relief and anxiety from finishing something. it’s done, it’s over with, you finished the application, you passed it by the deadline, you made a blog post. but you’re scared that it won’t go well, that people won’t respond well to it, that you’ve put all this effort into it and you know you’ll be disappointed if you don’t get the results you want. you silently hope to yourself that it’ll turn out well anyway. you console yourself with phrases like, but it’s about the process or  it’s about what you learned along the way. it doesn’t really make you feel better.